50 Funniest Cricket Sledges of All Time – The Largest Collection of Sledges

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Whether you like it or not, sledging is very much a part of the modern day game of cricket. Some players can cross the line with a sledge but, thankfully, most comments come with a touch of humour, so here are some of the funniest sledges of all time.

50 Best Cricket Sledges to use

If you ever get into similar situations as these, be sure to try out some of these sledges. Many are self explanatory and tend to follow a theme while I’ll explain some of the more obscure comments.

1. “Of course it isn’t, you’re here”

Words uttered by Steve Waugh to Jamie Siddons when the former was urging the Aussie skipper to hurry up in a Sheffield Shield match.

‘It’s not a bloody test match’
‘Of course it isn’t, you’re here.’

cricket sledges

2. “Captain of the ugly XI”

This sledge appears to have come from a state game in Australia and the names of those involved are unknown. The anecdote comes from Brett Lee, that someone on this state team came up with the idea to find the ‘ugliest cricketer in Australian cricket currently’.

Then latter this fielder on 1st slip says the following:

‘Hey champ, we’ve just come up with the ugliest XI and mate, looking at you right now through your lid, you are captain of the ugly XI’
The batsman replies:
‘Oh really? I’ve seen your Mrs on the Hill and she’s batting at 3’

3. “At least I’m the best player in my family”

England’s Jimmy Ormond can lay claim to what might be the greatest cricketing sledge of all time. When playing for England in the Ashes series of 2001, Ormond was on the receiving end of a jibe from Australia’s Mark Waugh who said:

‘Mate, what are you doing out here, no way are you good enough to play for England.
Ormond replied, in reference to Waugh’s more prolific sibling Steve:
‘Maybe not but at least I’m the best player in my family’.

4. “Are you deaf as well?”

Famously uttered by Phil Tufnell to an Australian umpire when decisions weren’t going his way.

‘What, are you blind?’
‘I beg your pardon!’
‘Are you deaf as well?’

5. “Put a Mars Bar on a good length”

Ian Healy as wicketkeeper commenting on Sri Lanka captain Arjuna Ranatunga and his portly constitution.

‘Put a Mars bar on a good length, that should do it’ says Healy to bowler Shane Warne.

6. “That could be anywhere under a 3 mile radius”

Ian Healy’s comment when Steve Waugh asked Ricky Ponting to field right under Nasser Hussain’s nose.

‘That could be anywhere under a 3 mile radius’

7. “Wrong end mate.”

This is a quote from Australia’s legendary fast bowler Dennis Lillee and it’s said that he used it against several batsman.

If the batter was struggling, Lillee would say:

‘There’s a piece of s##t on your bat mate.’
At this point, the batsman would look at the bottom and Lillee would reply:
‘Wrong end mate.’

dennis-lillee

8. “It’s red, it’s round, you hit it”

This sledge has been attributed to a number of players but, as far as I know, the first exchange took place between Viv Richards and former England fast bowler Greg Thomas.

As Richards played and missed, Thomas said:

‘It’s red, it’s round, you hit it.’
The very next ball, Richards hit Thomas over the ropes for six before declaring:
‘You know what it looks like now go and find it.’

9. “Now, which of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?”

Australian captain Bill Woodfull’s response when England skipper Douglas Jardine appeared at the dressing room door during the infamous Bodyline series. As it happens, Jardine complained that the Australians were swearing at him. Woodfull replied:

‘Now, which of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?’

10. “You’ve got an MBE, right?”

At the end of the classic 2005 Ashes series, every England squad member was awarded an MBE. This included Paul Collingwood who came in for the very final match at the Oval.

Collingwood was approached by Shane Warne who said:

‘You’ve got an MBE right? For scoring seven at The Oval? You’re an embarrassment.’

Collingwood’s reply isn’t recorded – perhaps Warne’s assessment was difficult to argue with.

11. “If you turn the bat over you’ll find the instructions”

12. “Don’t bother son, you won’t be out there long enough”

Fred Trueman to an Australian batsman as he turned to shut the gate.

13. “Man it don’t matter where you come in, the score is still zero!”

A comment made by Viv Richards to Sunil Gavaskar when West Indies played India in a test match. Gavaskar was usually an opener but had dropped down to number 4 on this specific occasion.

Richards greeted the batsman with these words after Malcolm Marshall had dismissed both Indian openers for a duck:

“Man it don’t matter where you come in, the score is still zero!”

14. “Did I give you any good advice?”

This sledge recalls a conversation between Merv Hughes and Ian Botham. As a youngster, Hughes had asked Botham for some advice and he suggested that the Australian might want to take up tennis.

‘You probably don’t remember me. But I was at a coaching clinic you did at Benalla when you played grade cricket here in the 1970s’
‘Did I give you any good advice?’ asked Botham.
‘I told you I wanted to be a fast bowler, but you said I should take up tennis or golf because they were more enjoyable and better paid.’
‘You should have listened to me.’

15. “Don’t worry, you can sleep in my bed tonight.”

The anecdote says that when the Australia team stayed in Lumley Castle in Durham, it was rumoured that there’s a ghost haunting the place. By the time they went to bed, Shane Watson got so spooked, that in the end, he spent the night sleeping on the floor in Brett Lee’s room.

It’s no surprise how the England players, including Darren Gough teased him:

‘Don’t worry, you can sleep in my bed tonight.’

16. “Tickets please!”

This was Merv Hughes’ response to Javed Miandad after the Pakistani batsman had called him a fat bus conductor.

‘Merv you are a big, fat bus conductor.’ said Javed, but not long after he was out.
While Javed was leaving the field, Merv ran after him shouting:
‘Tickets please!’

17. “Tick, Tock”

Shane Warne and Darren Berry joined forces here to put off batsman Michael Slater. One would say ‘tick’ and the other ‘tock’ until Slater holed out to mid wicket and the pair shouted ‘Kaboom’ in unison.

18. “Would you like me to bowl a piano and see if you can play that”

This is another ancient sledge and another to be attributed to Merv Hughes. It’s said that he first used it while bowling to Graham Gooch.

19. “Looks like you spent it eating”

Darryl Cullinan to Shane Warne after Warnie had said he had waited two years to bowl to the South African again.

20. “Mind the windows”

Andrew Flintoff to Tino Best. The West Indian duly took a huge swing at the next delivery and was stumped by some distance.

Andrew-Flintoff

21. “Slazenger look after you OK, Adam?”

Steve Waugh to Adam Parore after the Australian captain had signed a lucrative contract with Slazenger.

22. “I should’ve kept my legs closed”

This was a very ribald comment from England fast bowler Fred Trueman who wasn’t known for possessing a filter. When a delivery from Trueman was edged into the slips, fielder Raman Subba Row was unable to stop it.

Row said, ‘sorry Fred I should have kept my legs closed. Trueman replied:
‘So should your Mother’.

Fred-Trueman

23. “This batsman is only going to make two runs, one on the pitch and one off”

24. “Get back on the bus and get ready to drive it home.”

When Justin Langer played the first Ashes at Edgbaston, he arrived at the crease as the 12th man. The batsman was Nasser Hussain to whom Langer said a couple of things that might have come off as rude. Hussain replied the following:

‘Look, I don’t mind the others chirping at me, but you’re the bloody bus driver of this team. So you get back on the bus and get ready to drive it home.’

25. “Why are you hitting kids, try and hit me”

The then 16-year-old Sachin Tendulkar made his first appearance in Pakistan in 1989, and after the crowd mocked him with placards like “Hey kid, go home and drink milk”, he proceeded sending the young Mustaq Ahmed two sixes in a single over.

Mustaq’s mentor, Abdul Qadir said to the Little Master angrily:

‘Why are you hitting kids, try and hit me’

26. “Should I bring in a guitar, so to test if you can play anything”

27. “Move out of the way, I can’t see the stumps.”

This could have been directed at a number of batters but, on this occasion, Mike Gatting was on the receiving end of some stick from Dennis Lillee.

28. “If you could bowl as well as you talk, you wouldn’t be the 12th man”

This comment was made by Ravi Shastri who was batting for India in a test match against Australia. The Australian 12th man, Michael Whitney, had fielded the ball and hurled it back vigorously to the wicket keeper.

Whitney has asked the batter to ‘get back in his crease or he would break his head.’
‘If you could bowl as well as you talk, you wouldn’t be the 12th man’ replied Shastri aptly.

29. “Tarzan is swinging so much, someone get him Jane.”

30. “Swinging like a rusty gate”

31. “More edges than a ream of paper”

32. “Biscuits”

After Glenn McGrath had asked Zimbabwe’s Eddo Brandes why he was so fat, Brandes replied that every time he slept with McGrath’s mother she gave him a biscuit.

Glenn McGrath

33. “We make a great pair, I can’t bat, you can’t bowl”

Robin Smith to Australia’s Merv Hughes after hitting him for four. The ball before, Hughes had said to Smith ‘you can’t bat’.

34. “More misses than King Henry the 8th”

35. “This is how a bowler makes runs”

36. “This is my island, my culture. And in my culture, we bowl”

For once, Viv Richards was on the wrong end of a sledge. After saying this to Merv Hughes after the Australian was staring him down, the great Viv was subsequently dismissed. Big Merv retorted with the line:

‘In my culture we just say F Off.’

37. “Wickets are on sale this time of year”

38. “Back to the nets”

39. “Couldn’t catch a cold”

This has been said to many fielders and we’ve all probably been on the wrong end of this sledge. There are conflicting stories as to where this originates from but it must be one of the oldest of its kind.

40. “Does anyone else feel that breeze?”

41. “I’ve seen a better batter at my local Fish & Chips”

42. “Take the keys off him he can’t drive”

43. “Didn’t know Gray Nics made fishing poles”

44. “You’ve lost it mentally. You’re still the same”

Stuart Broad to Mitchell Johnson which summed up a level of Australian sledging.

Stuart-Broad

45. “This batsmen’s like a donut”

46. “More blocks than a lego set”

47. “Hospital food suit you?”

This quote is attributed to Australia’s Craig McDermott who had just been bowled by England’s Phil Tufnell. McDermott turned to the left arm spinner and said:

‘You’ve got to bat on this in a minute Tuffers: Hospital food suit you?’

48. “All swing, no ding”

49. “Lightning only strikes once”

50. “So how’s your wife and my kids?”

For many this is the best sledge of all time but did it even happen? It’s alleged that Australian wicket keeper Rod Marsh once said to Ian Botham:

‘So how’s your wife and my kids?’
To which, Botham replied:
‘The wife’s fine but the kids are retarded’.

Hilarious, but the claim is disputed by some of the Australian side of the time.

What is Sledging in Cricket?

The term ‘sledging’ relates to any verbal comments which are intended to distract a player from the opposing side. The intention is to ‘get under the player’s skin’ and to make them bowl badly or play a false stroke.

As we’ve seen, many sledges can be pretty dumb but the most memorable come with some impressive humour.

Closing Thoughts

I’ve never been a huge fan of sledging: At club cricket level most of what you hear on the field isn’t funny at all. However, in international cricket, it’s good to hear that there is room for some humour.

I think that the best sledges are those instant responses to opening remarks that show which players have the quick wit. The ability to think quickly and make a funny response helps to shut down the opening sledge immediately.